|
The stuff they don’t tell you before you become a father.
In case you haven’t noticed, the latest onslaught of commercialism in the calendar, Sunday, September 6 this year, is Father’s Day. The likelihood is, then, that unless your father is deceased, you’re a bastard, or either you or your father is an utter bastard, your thoughts are turning towards the “traditional” card and/or gift.
Yes, early September is now a time when sales of socks, slippers and simple power tools peak momentarily before slumping again until the run-up to Christmas begins in earnest, usually around three weeks later. “Modern life,” as Blur so eloquently put it, “is rubbish.”
As a teenager, I always thought Father’s Day was a con. I remember my dad used to shuffle awkwardly if any of us kids got him more than a mere card to mark the occasion. A quick, manly, “Thanks, mate,” and we were done – never to mention it again until the following year when we knew we would repeat the ceremony, consciously duped by marketing people with bulging wallets.
Nowadays of course, since becoming a dad myself, I can’t get enough of Father’s Day. Gifts, guilt-free lie-ins, being waited on all day; I’m beginning to think my Dad never exploited its full potential. Then again, he used to get that most days, except for the gifts of course. How times have changed.
The demands on the 21st century father are indeed many and varied. Which is why, approaching this special day, I would like to share with you just some of the trade secrets they don’t usually tell you as a bloke if you, or especially your partner, are thinking of starting a family. I’m not saying that having kids isn’t wonderful – I love my children and most of the time, it is better than wonderful. Most of the time. It’s just that, well, forewarned is forearmed as they say…
1 - Conception
Or "practice," as it is commonly called by would-be parents. Enjoy it. I don’t need to tell you how. Practice as much as you possibly can. You owe it to the male species. And to yourself, to average out the lean years that may follow.
2 - The Announcement
Mention impending fatherhood to any blokes who are already dads and you’ll get “the look:” a knowing grin, possibly accompanied by a vindictive cackle. It puts the wind up you, makes you feel like they know something you don’t. That’s because they do. I always used to hate “the look.” Now I take pleasure in it. If you’re "expecting," watch out for “the look” from other dads, and don’t be offended. Think of it as part of your initiation, and revel in the fact that one day in the not too distant future, you’ll get to join in doing “the look” too.
3 - Natural v Caesarean
Many female celebrities entering motherhood these days are said to be “too posh to push,” incomprehensibly choosing to shun the prolonged agony of natural childbirth in favour of a convenient C-section. Caesarean births are supposedly preferable from a male perspective too. Was it Billy Connolly who talked about waving a torch around in the Albert Hall?
4 - Medical Staff
At the scans, during midwife visits, in ante-natal classes and especially throughout the whole birth procedure, do not expect your presence to be acknowledged in the slightest by any medical staff. Most of them appear to believe the old maxim that you have done your bit already, and will only talk to you if they can see your partner requires a glass of water, or a hand to crush during...
Continue to Page 2...
|
